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'MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"'
1999\01\29@135618 by Andy Kunz

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REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities"
of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, BOB.

In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking
dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a
swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing
to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have
been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing
psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid
Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty
Things.

Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's
touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity
of what he's done."

Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn.

Said Rover Retriever, another BOB personality, "This is just terrible.
Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but
I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to
seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under
so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to
quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him
puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse
the market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that BOB installed successfully on NT.

  \-----------------/
   \     /---\     /
    \    |   |    /          Andy Kunz
     \   /---\   /           Montana Design
/---------+   +---------\     http://www.montanadesign.com
| /  |----|___|----|  \ |
\/___|      *      |___\/     Go fast, turn right,
                              and keep the wet side down!

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