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'[OT]: The Empire Strikes back'
2000\11\19@002333 by Russell McMahon

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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except
Utah, which she does not fancy.  Your new prime minister (The rt. hon.
Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections.  Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words  interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication.  Look up  "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one
kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It is a
difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
 kevlar body  armour like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.  "Merde" is French for
"sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for
your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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2000\11\19@003202 by Mike

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part 1 5327 bytes content-type:text/plain; charset=us-ascii (decoded quoted-printable)

Russell McMahon wrote:
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

And this was the U.S. answer to that:

In the light of your nation's increasing irrelevance in world affairs, and
in an effort to preserve your quaint culture, The Disney Corporation has
decided to buy the entire nation and convert it into a theme park.  To
ensure a smooth transition, Michael Eisner himself will be overseeing this
operation.

A few changes are to be made immediately:

1) All unnecessary vowels are to be purged; the proper spelling of "colour"
is "color."  Note that it's "aluminum" not "aluminium."

2) In an effort to foster effective communication, all residents of the
former UK will be required to pass a basic vocal skills exam.  They will be
judged by representatives of all other English speaking countries; anyone
who can not be understood will be sent to a remedial speaking class.  In an
effort to cut down administrative overhead involved with these exams,
everyone in Scotland is deemed to be incomprehensible and sent to class
immediately.  Especially those from Glasgow.

3)All English slang is banned.  The word "fanny" will now properly refer to
the posterior.  You can keep "bollocks" though, as it's sort of endearing.

4)Parliament will be replaced by a large gallery of sexual deviants,
cross-dressers, alcoholics, and bribe-taking do-nothings.  They will have no
actual power.  No one will notice this change.  For entertainment value, we
suggest doubling the size of the wigs and the occasional indoor display of
fireworks, a la professional wrestling.  Someone will be required to bang a
gavel and shout "Order!  Order!" every two and a half minutes.

5)The Queen will be replaced with an animotronic robot.  No one will notice. Prince Charles will be replaced with a cardboard cutout of himself.  No one
will notice.  Princes Henry and William will be replaced with two of the
"cuter" members of N' Sync.  No one will notice.

6) As soccer (its now official name) is insanely boring, and the only
entertaining bits are the occasional kick to the gonads and the riots
afterwards, the rules are changed to the following:

    a) The game itself involves each team lining up facing one another;
each team member will kick his opponent in the gonads as hard as possible.
The team with the most men standing is the winner.  In case of a tie, the
winner will be decided based on penalty kicks.

    b) The riots afterwards will be televised.  Points will be awarded for
such things as most original use of common objects (beer bottles, signposts,
policemen), most teeth lost by a combatant, and most damning insult.

7) All other British sports (cricket, rugby, etc) are irrelevant.  The
stadiums and grounds used for these sports will be converted for use in
repeated, unending Britney Spears concerts.

8) As it was entertaining the first time around, the Hundred Years' War is
started again.  The pretext is unimportant.  For argument's sake, let's say
it's for failure of the French men to insist on shaved armpits on their
women.  Or their insistence on not bathing and covering their stench with
cologne.  Or wearing speedos at the beach regardless of state of physical
fitness.  Hell, everyone hates the French, not just the British.

9) All British heavy industry is hearby halted, as you no longer own any of
your own automobile manufacturers anyway, and the British have found ways to
make all mechanical devices leak oil, including those that have no need for
lubrication and those not based on internal combustion.  Triumph Motorcycle
Company may stay in business, as Disney understands the national pride that
comes from only having one motorcycle company in your country worth a damn.
We would suggest having the USA, UK and Germany declare war on Italy and
Japan out of jealousy, but then we'd end up sending all of the troops and
the UK would send no enlisted men but a dozen generals who would insist on
running the campaign.  So you can stay home and eat kippers instead.

10) While Disney applauds the UK for inventing the steam engine and the
locomotive, please realize that you can't run a railroad for the life of
you.  Let us handle it.

11) Parapets are to be installed on all buildings.

12) All British "cuisine" is banned, as it would not be used for fodder in a
civilized country, much less eaten by a human being.  British national
cuisine will now be considered pizza and curry dishes.

13) All residents of the UK shall be forced (at gunpoint, if need be) to the
dentist for corrective orthodontia, crowns, bridges, etc.  Any Brit without
a full set of choppers shall be shot on sight.

14) Hugh Grant is to be slowly burnt at the stake.  His ashes, carefully
preserved and not allowed to blow away, will be fired by NASA into the sun.
Liz Hurley may live.

15) All residents of the UK may continue to look down their noses at
everyone else on the planet.  Otherwise, how would we know they were
British?
-- Mike Werner  KA8YSD   | He that is slow to believe anything and
                     | everything is of great understanding,
'91 GS500E            | for belief in one false principle is the
Morgantown WV         | beginning of all unwisdom.



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2000\11\19@004148 by Nick Taylor

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Russell McMahon wrote:
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
[snip]
> Thank you for your cooperation.

Great idea!  However, we adamantly refuse to spell color, favor, etc. with
a 'u'.  Look up "adamantly" in the Random House Unabridged Dictionary.

-Nick

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2000\11\19@010825 by dre Domingos F. Souza

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>9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for
>your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what
>we mean.

       Till now, it was all right. But ban on the best (er...nicest..er...well, you know!) cars of the world??? Fist F**k the queen!!!! And get away from my Camaro!


--------------8<-------Corte aqui-------8<--------------

       All the best!!!
       Alexandre Souza
       spam_OUTxandinhoTakeThisOuTspaminterlink.com.br
       Linux User #85093

--------------8<-------Corte aqui-------8<--------------

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2000\11\19@015401 by Sean H. Breheny

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ROTFL at both this and Mike's reply!

At 06:24 PM 11/19/00 +1300, you wrote:
>NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America,

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2000\11\19@101358 by Arthur Brown

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It was spelt without the 'U' because the IBM keyboard was broke when the The
First Basic Program was writen.

as for your leader

1. we could give you Robin Cooke to start off with
2. or you could have any of the following

John Prescott <will get the country moving>
Jack Straw < he breaks promises so he should be suitable for the job>
We could give you a London Lord Mayor by the name of Ken Livingstone.

The above list is for you to take your PIC

RE gards Art <by the way what are gards as seen in a recent posting>

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2000\11\19@103507 by Arthur Brown

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Seen this and thought of you.

Regards Art.


---------------------

How about this for an amazing piece of history

The subject: concerns American Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F.
Kennedy.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon B. Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by all their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker.   A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe,
Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

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2000\11\19@111155 by Clint Sharp

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In message <.....20001119003154.A2278KILLspamspam@spam@earthlink.net>, Mike
<reznaeousspamKILLspamEARTHLINK.NET> writes
>In the light of your nation's increasing irrelevance in world affairs, and
>in an effort to preserve your quaint culture, The Disney Corporation has
>decided to buy the entire nation and convert it into a theme park.  To
>ensure a smooth transition, Michael Eisner himself will be overseeing this
>operation.
Can't we have P.Y. Gerbeau, he made such a success of our Millennium
Dome with his Euro Disney training.
>
>A few changes are to be made immediately:

>3)All English slang is banned.  The word "fanny" will now properly refer to
>the posterior.  You can keep "bollocks" though, as it's sort of endearing.
You find bollocks endearing? Fine, whatever floats your boat.
>
>4)Parliament will be replaced by a large gallery of sexual deviants,
>cross-dressers, alcoholics, and bribe-taking do-nothings.  They will have no
>actual power.  No one will notice this change.
As opposed to your system of government?

>7) All other British sports (cricket, rugby, etc) are irrelevant.  The
>stadiums and grounds used for these sports will be converted for use in
>repeated, unending Britney Spears concerts.
And this is in some way different from the present?
>
>8) As it was entertaining the first time around, the Hundred Years' War is
>started again.  The pretext is unimportant.  For argument's sake, let's say
>it's for failure of the French men to insist on shaved armpits on their
>women.  Or their insistence on not bathing and covering their stench with
>cologne.  Or wearing speedos at the beach regardless of state of physical
>fitness.  Hell, everyone hates the French, not just the British.
No argument here.
>
>We would suggest having the USA, UK and Germany declare war on Italy and
>Japan out of jealousy, but then we'd end up sending all of the troops and
>the UK would send no enlisted men but a dozen generals who would insist on
>running the campaign.  So you can stay home and eat kippers instead.
Not even going to mention the number 27 and George W. Bush. Damn, too
late.

>10) While Disney applauds the UK for inventing the steam engine and the
>locomotive, please realize that you can't run a railroad for the life of
>you.  Let us handle it.
Say what you will about Mussolini, at least he made the trains run on
time. I rest my case.

>12) All British "cuisine" is banned, as it would not be used for fodder in a
>civilized country, much less eaten by a human being.  British national
>cuisine will now be considered pizza and curry dishes.
Accepted, on condition that you put Jamie Oliver to death or at least
banish him to some god forsaken land (Wolverhampton?)
>
>13) All residents of the UK shall be forced (at gunpoint, if need be) to the
>dentist for corrective orthodontia, crowns, bridges, etc.  Any Brit without
>a full set of choppers shall be shot on sight.
This, coming from a country where the combination of clinical obesity
and shorts is considered socially acceptable.
>
>14) Hugh Grant is to be slowly burnt at the stake.  His ashes, carefully
>preserved and not allowed to blow away, will be fired by NASA into the sun.
>Liz Hurley may live.
Awww, Liz and Hugh made such a lovely couple, it would be a shame to
split them up, burn 'em both at the stake, please (although it might be
difficult to differentiate between the stake and Liz Hurley)
>
>15) All residents of the UK may continue to look down their noses at
>everyone else on the planet.  Otherwise, how would we know they were
>British
Don't worry, we will.
--
Clint Sharp

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2000\11\19@193014 by Antonio L Benci

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Russell McMahon wrote:
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>

[Much deleted]

>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>
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Are you sure that they will co-operate...

Nino
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| Professional Officer / Electronic Services Manager |
| Department of Physics                              |
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2000\11\20@051250 by Alan B. Pearce

face picon face
>>In the light of your nation's increasing irrelevance in world affairs, and
>>in an effort to preserve your quaint culture, The Disney Corporation has
>>decided to buy the entire nation and convert it into a theme park.  To
>>ensure a smooth transition, Michael Eisner himself will be overseeing this
>>operation.
>Can't we have P.Y. Gerbeau, he made such a success of our Millennium
>Dome with his Euro Disney training.

In view of the way the national Lottery keeps propping up the dome financially,
I doubt that Disney will be interested in the rest of the country, unless they
are thinking of making it like the everglades after the recent floods, to say
nothing of the problems with Railways, or jammed up roads or ......

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2000\11\20@053809 by Russell McMahon

picon face
After Boston, nothing is certain.
Tea parties have never seemed the same.



Russell McMahon wrote:
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
Are you sure that they will co-operate...

Nino

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2000\11\21@054850 by D Lloyd

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part 1 3356 bytes content-type:text/plain; charset=us-ascii
While we are on the subject, I had this forwarded to me........


> >Subject: US Presidential Elections update!
> >
> >
> >>BELGRADE--Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than
30,000
{Quote hidden}

the
{Quote hidden}

of
> >>tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself
> >>incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international
community
> >>may be forced to take stronger measures."
> >>
> >>
> >
>

Dan




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to file:
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Subject:  Re: [OT]: The Empire Strikes back

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After Boston, nothing is certain.
Tea parties have never seemed the same.



Russell McMahon wrote:
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
Are you sure that they will co-operate...

Nino

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2000\11\21@062347 by Mark Willis

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Heh.  I'd say "So long as 'they' wear red coats and stand in straight
lines, and 'we' get to hide behind rocks and trees, ...", but I think
let's not go there, and let's just get along and use humor as a survival
tool, folks!

 Mark

Russell McMahon wrote:
{Quote hidden}

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2000\11\26@032907 by daniel dourneau

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Mike Werner wrote:
>Russell McMahon wrote:
>> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
>And this was the U.S. answer to that:
>
>In the light of your nation's increasing irrelevance in world affairs, and
>in an effort to preserve your quaint culture, The Disney Corporation has
>decided to buy the entire nation and convert it into a theme park.  To
>ensure a smooth transition, Michael Eisner himself will be overseeing this
>operation.
------- cut,

>9) All British heavy industry is hearby halted, as you no longer own any of
>your own automobile manufacturers anyway, and the British have found ways to
>make all mechanical devices leak oil, including those that have no need for
>lubrication and those not based on internal combustion.  Triumph Motorcycle
------- cut,

Before you presume to criticize other people's spelling, it is H-E-R-E-by
(and not hearby) and this even in the U.S.!

As for your "fast food", you may keep it (please!). "Fast" it may be, but
"food" is a misnomer. By the way, same applies to "English food".

And who are you to talk abour railrods?

Finally, speaking from the French perspective, I say to you and your
adversary "Go for it fellas!" We shall deal with what is left when the dust
settles!

All the way from "very rainy" Paris

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