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PICList Thread
'[OT]: How to complain'
2001\10\26@160624 by Jinx

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This letter was apparently sent to NTL, a UK ISP

Warning - PG13, low-level earthy Brit expressions

========================================

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow
me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website?. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree
by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable
modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls
(actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived -
a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%?
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday
to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls
on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line
is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman) and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had
attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though
they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have
now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services
which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver -
any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and
even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at
the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and
its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

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2001\10\26@205821 by Kathy Quinlan

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Keep em coming Jinx,

This was so funny, I now have new ways to complain ;o)

Regards,

Kat.

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